Christmas has come and gone and, as always, I am sad to see it go. I slept on the couch next to the twinkling tree lights last night just because I needed a little more holiday cheer before we box everything up and look ahead to a 2012 that is entirely different than I had imagined it would be.
I don't think my future has ever felt less certain or further off. This is disconcerting for us Type-A planners. I want to know what 2012 will bring, but I don't have the heart to make any plans beyond wake up, snuggle my kids, work, cook-clean, kiss my husband, sleep. So 2012 looms a bit ominous and a whole lot different from what I had hoped it would be.
I keep thinking about how I am supposed to be holding two little babies under the twinkling lights of our yet to be dismantled tree.
I keep thinking about the hollow feeling of last Christmas when I so hoped I was pregnant but was not. It is not all that different from the hollow in my heart this Christmas, and I am awestruck at just how long these babies have been – will always be – on my mind. After all the hoping and hoopla, the planning and preparation, the dreams and prayers and surprises and trials of faith, the end of 2011 looks far too similar to the end of 2010. Everything has changed and yet nothing has changed.
6 comments:
You write so beautifully. Even though I'm just a stranger reading your blog...Andrew and Benjamin are being thought of. I hope 2012 holds wonderful moments for you.
Carolyn
It has been not quite seven months since I lost my baby to pre-term labor. It is amazing how he continues to occupy most of my thoughts. I am often surprised that I see so many things I think he may have liked or things that remind me of him. I am kind of happy that I am not moving on, but am starting to find a way to carry him forward with me. I hope what you are experiencing is the same thing because it means they will be with us forever, not in the way we wanted but in the only way then can be now.
Keep chugging cuz. You're getting there. Love ya and hope 2012 brings you more laughs than tears.
Thank you for finding me in the blog world. It's amazing who's out there that is going through the same hurt and grief as you. My first and only babies were born the same day as yours and I can't find the hope as easily as I used to. Our situations were a little different in that your son's hearts stopped beating inside while my twins were alive until birth.
Either way, it's such an enormous loss. One I hope we can push through to better times.
I'll be planting a tree for your son's. (See newest blog)
Alissa
Honesty and warmth radiates from everything you write. I don't often comment because I'm not really sure what to say. Just know that you're in my thoughts and my heart. I hope that the Burts will find big bright wonderful moments in 2012.
Alissa -- Thank you! So thoughtful, especially considering all you and Mike are going through yourselves.
Chelsea -- I know you are thinking of us. I can feel the love, lady. Thank you!
Post a Comment