Looking Back

Christmas marked the week our boys should have joined our family, and I keep wondering what it would have been like – what it should have been like. There is nothing else to anticipate; their countdown has ended as quietly as it began. This week feels big and important even if nothing has changed as we once dreamed it would. In my daydreams, this week was beautiful. But in real life, I simply replay the past nine months and take note of all the good and the bad as I try to make sense of the unimaginable.

There are things that I regret:

All the worry. All the stress.

Every complaint about heartburn and sciatic nerves.

Every complaint. Every worry.

Every wisecrack about how crazy our life was about to get.

Every time I took this fairytale for granted.

The sleepless nights full of doubt, wondering how in the world this was going to work.

Putting off taking a picture of my pregnant belly.

All the nagging and fretting that made this pregnancy appear anything less than bliss – every moment spent worrying instead of daydreaming.

All the nights I was too tired or stressed to pray.

And I regret complaining when I found out we were having boys because I wanted Nora to have a sister; I would give anything for the two little brothers that were supposed to complete our family.

And while the fallout from their being leaves me sad and wistful, I do not regret loving my boys. I have much to be grateful for in the short time that they were mine:

For the excited anticipation and the daydreaming.

For every conversation about the “twin babies” with Porter and Nora, little moments that made them real to their older brother and sister.

For every time I successfully worked “I’m having twins” into an unrelated conversation.

For every conversation I hogged in their sake.

For the baby shower – as it turned out, my only chance to celebrate our boys’ life with family and friends.

For the extra ultrasounds that showed my boys alive and well, snuggled side by side with a lifetime ahead of them.

For the colorful world I imagined would be theirs and for all the fun I had working to make it so.

For every time I heard their hearts beating.

I am grateful for every minute I spent with my boys on my mind, even if it means I now look ahead to a lifetime with my sweet boys on my sad, sorry mind.