Now that the obligatory vacation report and genius child showboating is out of the way (because how can you not showboat cute, genius children like mine), I return to the other-life. I am thinking I should separate these two blogs, as I am sure it is confusing to my dear readers. You just never know what you're gonna get.
Neither do I. Such is life. Sorry about that.
I thought I was better. Really. I thought a trip to the magic kingdom and a McDonald's Thanksgiving feast on the beach was all it would take to fix my broken heart. I submit as evidence happy, smiley pictures of me with a beautifully, blessed family on vacation in previous posts. I really did think I was better and I was so relieved. Because I feel like I should be better. I want to be better.
But then December set in. The very December in which I am supposed to be bringing home babies.
When vacation wasn't the magic fix (though it was a nice reprieve), I decided a whole lot of Christmas magic would surely be the cure all. As of December 8th, we have:
trimmed the tree (and the walls and rooftop);
drunk hot chocolate four times (and I wonder why I can't lose the rest of this baby weight);
gone sledding;
baked gingersnaps (and then put most of them in the freezer so I wouldn't eat them all at once);
shoveled snow;
watched Frosty the Snowman;
finished the Santa shopping;
made a lovely garland off of Pinterest;
had two Christmas carol dance-offs;
taken a night walk in the snow to look at Christmas lights;
cut out snowflakes;
taken the kids to a holiday choir concert;
opened my freezer as home to fallen icicles;
wrapped gifts and hid many more for later wrapping;
attended our first Christmas party;
read seven new Christmas books to kids clad in footed PJs;
and have sung Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer enough times that my two-year-old can now sing it in her sleep.
And every bit of it has made me smile with warmth and fuzziness that leaves me thinking This is it—the moment when everything gets back to normal.
But then, This Christmas would be so much better if..., immediately follows.
What a strange balancing act.
5 comments:
Oh Jen! If I had known you were doing McDonald's on the beach for Thanksgiving, I would have made you drive up three hours to my cousin's!!! I hope that it was at least fun (it does sound fun). I love the sweet things you are doing as a family- you are being such a sweet mom as you go through the intense pain. They are lucky to have you.
It's hard to imagine the world ever being "right" again, huh? I kept waiting for it all to be better, and I've found it's never better, but perhaps it's gotten a little easier, if that makes sense?
Oh Jen, my heart aches for you...Although I have no idea what you are going through, I am sure that you will have that moment of peace..maybe not normalcy, but peace that allows you to enjoy things a little more. You are a fantastic mom, and have been incredible to share such intimate feelings...Take comfort in knowing that our Savior was born this holiday season to grant unto you tender mercies in times like these, and that he above all knows how you feel. Prayer and scripture study will strengthen and comfort you! Much love!!
You can bounce back and forth daily - I read your writings and pray you feel my love. I read your posts not expecting "normal" but your thoughts. No matter what the loss is, how small or great, time will make it easier but it will never go away. Small moments will remind you and you will be sad. Just now it is fine - this is your path and only your way is perfect! All my love and prayers!
I wish I could tell you that it does get better. I don't know if it does or not but I am only 4 years into it. It gets easier for sure and the good days start outweighing the bad ones. Eventually when you think of your boys, instead of crying or feeling like your body is turning inside-out, you will smile and think of how wonderful the day will be when you hold them again. But all better, not sure if that ever happens or not. What I do know is that you are not alone and everything that you are feeling, well it's not normal but it is your new normal. I've been there and unfortunately there are a whole bunch of women out there who have been there and felt the same things. I am still here if you need anything and am more than willing to listen. My thoughts and prayers are still with you!! Hugs!
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