Cloudy

I was happy to see a cloud-covered sky this morning to match my battered heart. And I was mad when the sunshine started shining through.

Such is life. Happy. Sad. Happy. Hopeful. Bam! Sad. I'm so worn down, I don't know what I am. I know I   was mad when the sun started peeking through the clouds this morning, because I wanted a reason to curl up, to be quiet and, yes, to be sad.

And I feel like a big, bad mom and a lackluster wife and an unfaithful daughter of God to say that, but it's true: I am sad.

Yes, I have had a great week with my funny, perfect kids. We've snuggled and tickled and laughed. Oh, we've laughed. We've learned new songs. We've played games and told jokes and ate Halloween candy and read piles of stories. They are beautiful and sweet — the epitome of hope.

Yes, I have an equally broken-hearted husband who, though he doesn't say it, is just as scared and frustrated as me. A husband who abides and listens even though he has no idea what to do or say.

Yes, I have the very best of friends rallying around me — friends who, try as I might to tell them, will likely never know just how much they mean to me at this very moment in my upside-down life. This path is dark and winding and lonely. I know that it is not a fun place to be. But they're here, walking beside me, even though not one of us knows where we're going or when we'll come through to the other side.

Yes, I have a somewhat surprisingly unwavering faith that brings me comfort when I begin to wonder just how all of this came to be and brings me hope when I worry it may never be ok again.

But I am still sad. With all the good things I've got — all the sunshine bursting out from the clouds — my heart is still just broken.

But I am trying. Sit tight, dear friends. I am still in here somewhere; it's just a little cloudy.