Speechless

Or should I say, mind-boggled, as the problem in writing this post is really that I have too much to say rather than nothing at all. And it's all thanks to my friendly neighborhood salesman at a well-known exercise facility that rhymes with cold skim. Keep reading - promise it'll be worth your while.

In the final month of my two-year contract with said gym, I've been plotting a lower-my-rates-or-else chat. However, since the only time I seem to actually hit the treadmills lately is when my workout buddy Sandi drags me along in the evenings, I decided I'd simply make an appointment for an afternoon when I would be business-minded and a manager would be on hand for negotiating. So I asked the college student-desk attendant if I could make an appointment with a manager, and this, dear readers, is where the story begins. But rather than taint your perspective with my snarky narrative, I'll simply include exceprts of a VERY long conversation with the 20-year-old meathead who works the office night shift. Enjoy.

Me: "Since you're insistent on settling this now rather than letting me talk with your manager, here's my bottom line: I want lower rates because right now, I'm paying more per month than all my friends and family who are also members of your gym."
Meathead: "You're not paying more than me. See, I'll show you." (lunging for the keyboard at his manager's desk."
Me: "No, that's ok. I don't really care what you pay; I'm more interested in what I'm paying."
Meathead: "Good, because I couldn't show you anyway - my membership is frozen because we don't have to pay for a membership when we work here."

Me: "I also don't understand why I pay more for the small Cedar City gym than my friends are paying in Salt Lake. They get a pool, racquetball courts and A LOT more equipment."
Meathead: "Well that's not my fault. I don't buy our equipment."
Me: "I'm not blaming you."
Meathead: "I just don't know what you want me to do about it. Maybe get all your friends to sign up and then we can build a bigger gym." 

Ok, a little snark: He was dead serious when he said that, expectantly-raised eyebrows and all.

Me: "So several of my friends who also go to this gym are paying less than $20 a month. I want that same deal."
Meathead (handing me a post-it and a pen): "Write down the full names of all your friends."
Me: "What?"
Meathead: "I'll look up all their accounts."
Me: "Maybe I should ask them first?"
Meathead (very insistent - I demured several times before finally complying): "No, it's ok, I can look up whoever I want anytime I want."
Meathead (in reaction to one of the names I gave him): "Wow, that's a weird name...Huh...never heard that name before...strange."

Focus, meathead, please!!! And stop insulting my friends.


Me: "I should also mention that I've checked with Snap (another local gym),  and they can give me a membership for under $20 a month."
Meathead: "Well, have you been there?! They don't have as many treadmills or weights as we have and they don't pffer classes. You'd be stupid to go there."
Me:  "Well, I can't attend any of your classes because I work and 98-percent of yours are offered in the day, and at least a quarter of your treadmills are out of service every time I come."
Meathead: "That's not my fault. What do you want me to do about it?"
Me: "Maybe pass it along to your manager?"
Meathead: "He doesn't care."

Meathead (making me an offer on a new rate): "...Plus, that's a VIP membership, so you'll get free tanning and daycare."
Me: "I won't use either of those."
Meathead: "It's ok, our tanning beds don't cause skin cancer."
Meathead (in response to my doubtful look): "No really, the sun has different kinds of rays...like a C ray and an X ray--"
Me: "--You mean UVA and UVB?"
Meathead: "Exactly. Our tanning beds don't have the bad rays."
Me: "Pretty sure that's not possible."
Meathead: "It's a new science study that just came out. Maybe you haven't heard of it."

I know, I could stop there and this post would be complete, but one more, just for fun?

Me (after MH made another price offer): "Ok, I really just wanted to make an appointment to talk with a manager during the day. My friend is waiting to get home and it's late, so I'll think about this and get back to you."
Meathead: "Well the offer is only good tonight--like right now. I'm pretty sure you won't get his deal again. Ever."
Me: "Well, I still want to talk it over with my husband, so I'll take my chances."
Meathead: "Ok, well maybe I can extend the offer. What time will you come in tomorrow to sign up?"

Me: "I work and have kids and my mother-in-law is visiting, and I don't come to the gym every day, so so I wasn't planning on coming in tomorrow."
Meathead: "Well then I'll call you. When can I call?"
Me: "Can I just call you? I'm not sure what my evening will hold."
Meathead: "It's not like I'm going to blow up your phone or anything."

And that, my friends, is why even a gym membership salesman should get on-the-job training.