Was

The one word that changed everything: Was.

To most of you — my friends who were not on the immediate call list but who have still all been so important to me and my family — this post will seem rather abrupt. There is no etiquette for sharing bad news with the masses, however, and as I sit here and wait for everything to change, I feel like I need for those I care about to know. And I have no idea how to spread the word when I can't muster a phone call, let alone several.

And I can't imagine what it would feel like to come back to blogland months from now with photos of Halloween costumes and stories of the holidays without acknowledging that the Burts have been changed and that the soon-to-be family of six is just a family of four after all.



Porter and Nora both came into the world a little early and of their own accord. One day, everything was normal, and then suddenly, a contraction. and another. and another, until you're nervously smiling and calling the doctor and sure that today is the day you get to meet your child.

I was always grateful that they forged their own birth stories whenever I heard of friends who had to be induced or had scheduled c-sections. I just thought it would be so overwhelming to have a timeline for something so wholly life changing.

And it is.

I have two babies inside me whose hearts have stopped beating. Whose spirits have returned to their Heavenly Father and whose bodies will soon be delivered from mine. And as I sit here — staring the clock down, begging it to stop while, at the same time, willing the sun to rise and end this waiting — I am overwhelmed at the thought that these are my final hours of pregnancy.

I don't know how to do this. How to one day be pregnant and hopeful and so happy with the two little boys whose whole lives I have a thousand times imagined full of adventure and mischief and joy. And then to simply turn it all off, like waking from a dream to realize that none of that is to be.

And the clock keeps moving.

And I can't sleep. And I keep wondering what you're supposed to pack for the hospital when you're not bringing a baby home.

And though I'll probably regret pouring my heart out online in the light of day and once the shock wears off, I just wanted to think and to write and to mark this quiet moment that I will never forget.