Nineteen months.
I have been waiting for a baby (and for a while, two) for 19 long months, spent counting the days and weeks. Planning and waiting. And waiting.
And I wonder how this ends, as I've spent the better portion of my last two years in a holding pattern. I want to run a marathon. I want a new pair of jeans. I want to surprise Andy with the anniversary get-away I have been scheming for the past three years, and I want to make holiday travel plans. I even want to go to work conferences and overhaul our backyard landscaping. I want to volunteer to help with long-range projects instead of stopping myself half-way in as I wonder if I'll have to duck out early for maternity leave. And I want to stop delaying family pictures with "we may as well wait until..."
Even as I type this, I look over that list and chuckle at how small such complaints sound when held up against a new life. Of course a baby wins out over jeans and vacations and committees.
But...
Does a dream really trump the living, breathing life that surrounds me? This may not make sense to everyone who reads this, but the truth is: I want a baby. Or I dont. (But really, I do.) I am just so, so tired of waiting.
I just want to get back to my life and look ahead without second-guessing the timing. Now, if I could just figure out what that life is supposed to look like.
2 comments:
I think you should do any & everything you want to do, & when you become pregnant again, you can change your plans to fit around your pregnancy/baby. Nothing is set in stone. Plus, it all might help with that awful waiting game. I'm sorry you've had to play it for so long. I'm sure there is a sweet spirit in heaven waiting for the perfect time to come to you.
We certainly went about our lives in a fairly break-neck sort of way even when we knew we were trying to have a baby. Before I was pregnant, we had jobs to quit and a move back east to execute and a wedding to plan and jobs to find and a house to buy (and coffee and red wine to cut down on and prenatal vitamins to start)...but, all of a sudden, BAM! I was pregnant.
The best advice my OBGYN gave to the two of us when we went in for conception counseling was to just relax and have fun, and to not stress out too much over the planning/waiting element of babymaking. I think some relaxation and fun - or, busyness, projects, shopping, vacations, conferences - is definitely in order for you and the family. I know in my heart that your *endless* supply of love and energy and devotion to your family and work will easily rearrange itself in whatever way necessary when you find yourself pregnant again.
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